Together Alone: Being By Yourself and With Yourself

Contemporary Culture: Always On

We live in a world constantly talking to us, always requesting our attention. In Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise, Thich Nhat Hanh illustrates this beautifully:

“Many of us are afraid of going home to ourselves because we don't know how to handle the suffering inside us. That's why we're always reaching for more and more sense impressions to consume.”

It's ironic that in an era of unprecedented connectivity, research shows more people self-report being anxious, depressed, or lonely. The question remains: how can we feel so alone while constantly surrounded by others?

Being By Yourself

We can physically be by ourselves—perhaps retreating to our own space, working alone, or just being absorbed in our tasks. But how often are we truly aware and present in these moments? Thomas Hardy, in his poem The Self Unseeing, captures the regret of not fully appreciating life's moments:

“Childlike, I danced in a dream;
Blessings emblazoned that day;
Everything glowed with a gleam;
Yet we were looking away!”

How many of us look back on the past year and wonder where the time went, with no clear memory of the details? It's easy to live life on autopilot, not truly paying attention to where we are or how we feel.

Being With Yourself

Being with yourself is different from merely being by yourself. It involves noticing your thoughts, emotions, and even physical discomforts. It's about connecting with every part of you. Research shows that spending more time alone can actually help alleviate feelings of loneliness, giving you a chance to reconnect with yourself.

Virginia Woolf also emphasized the need for silence and solitude:

“How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird... Let me sit here forever with bare things, myself being myself.”

The simplicity of doing nothing is profound. How often do we allow ourselves to just sit, without thinking of all the tasks we need to complete? Woolf shows us the power in simply being present with oneself.

The Wisdom of Solitude in Positive Psychology

Positive psychology, developed by Dr. Martin Seligman, teaches that well-being is cultivated through meaningful activities, strengths, and relationships. However, the role of solitude in fostering psychological growth is often overlooked. Solitude offers us the space to reflect, to connect deeply with our thoughts and emotions, and to realign with our inner values. Just as mindfulness practices help us become more present, moments of solitude are essential for personal development.

Chinese Culture and Solitude: 知行合一 (Unity of Knowledge and Action)

In Chinese philosophy, the concept of 知行合一 (zhī xíng hé yī) — the unity of knowledge and action — speaks to the importance of integrating our thoughts with our actions. Yet, to truly understand this, solitude becomes a vital practice. In the rush of modern society, we often fill our time with external stimulation and social interaction, leaving little room for deep reflection. True understanding requires time alone to process our experiences and cultivate inner wisdom.

As you reflect on 知 and 行, or “knowing” and “acting,” it's essential to make space for quiet contemplation. Solitude allows you to align your actions with a clear sense of purpose. Without time to be alone, one may rush into action without clarity, missing the deeper meaning behind their actions. In a world where technology keeps us constantly connected, the opportunity for true introspection has become rare. Taking time for solitude is an act of self-care, one that nurtures the mind and soul, ensuring that our actions are grounded in our values and wisdom.

Final Thoughts: The Art of Being Alone

Being alone doesn't have to be lonely. It can be a time for deep self-reflection, a chance to reconnect with who you are. In a world that's constantly pulling at your attention, learning to be with yourself is a gift you can give yourself. Take the time to listen to your inner voice and find comfort in your own company. This act of solitude not only enhances well-being but also deepens your understanding of the unity of knowledge and action, fostering personal growth and resilience in a busy world.